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So, here's my first entry on this site. I want this to kind of be like a diary of sorts, since I've never kept those before. As a kid, my mom never really gave me any urge to record myself or my life. I was sort of invisible to myself, almost. Honestly, though, if I did have a diary at some point, I wouldn't have it anymore regardless. It'd be in a landfill somewhere, with the rest of my childhood belongings. I want to finally start recording myself somewhere. I understand that the digital world is limited, but suffering from arthritis, I have difficulty writing things physically. If I really want to, I'll print this out, or something.

Anyways... hi!

I'm wondering what to write about. Honestly, this is a strange time for me to start a diary, as there's a lot of things that have recently already happened to me. I wish I started this before all of that. I think, though, something very major that has urged me strongly to start writing a diary is the fact that I can feel my schizophrenia worsening over time. I'm a little scared that I will forget days more, and more, and more, until I don't remember anything anymore. If I write down what I do, I might have a chance at recalling. I am deeply afraid of the things I say, as when I read my old writing and statements, it feels like I am reading the words of another person. I dislike being afraid of myself. Will this help me?

I applied to a university I really want to attend, FIU. I hope I am able to get in with my average-leaning-subpar GPA. I want to take part in marine biology studies there, as the university hosts many programs for undergraduates. There is a particular lab I hope to get in contact with, the Marine Conservation Ecology Lab. It sounds really, really fun to attend this school. I'm hoping I can afford it. I'm a bit afraid if I can or not. If I can't, I don't know what I'll do. School, research, and science is all that I want. I think that my mind is becoming less and less capable of thinking about anything besides what I love.

I appreciate my friend for all it has done for me, inviting me to live with it for so long. It turned my life around. I would not be here without it. Even if I were still "surviving" in that home environment my mother held me in, I would have none of "myself" left. Or, what even was myself? What even was I? I was not allowed to be a person. I wasn't born yet. I was waiting to be, and now I am, and I'm an adult already, never granted a childhood. I feel erratic and in a rush. I think I'll be okay, though. I have people I love supporting me. I've reconnected with my family, too. I miss Sara, though. I wish she were here for this. I wish her passing wasn't the catalyst.

Thanks for reading this! I hope to keep this up every day. I believe in myself.